Using fantasy to endure reality

I started this blogg as a symbol for a fresh start. I needed a place were I could be totally me. A shelter. My territory. Where I could collect all types of writings. I needed to focus on the life I live rather than the life I lost. I needed to rest from sickness, absent healthcare and chaotic government stuff.

I dreamed of freedom. From my bad health. From my limitations. And from a society that only focus on capacity to work. But I knew it wasn’t possible. Instead I decided to do what I could. In the areas that was possible to affect. And that I would do it even though it mostly could be an imaginary restart.

I also started off this summer with a plan of clearing my life from things that doesn’t matter to me. Things I no longer use, and I wouldn’t miss. That don’t even bring me any memories. As a sign of acceptans for my very limited life. Not of giving up, but to move forward. Despite all, with what I have.

It takes time. A lot of time. Because my pace is slow and my capacity limited. Although I move forward. Like a snail. And I have a plan. But, I depend on others help. Can not in any chance do it all by myself. Because I can not even do the most basic everyday-tasks by myself. And I have to accept that.

In the middle of it all, my husband got ill and needed surgery to remove a tumor. And now he is on kemo. This wasn’t at all the new start any of us needed. Instead of less focus on decease, it now occupies us all. And I have to use every little bit of capacity to survive. To take care of my family and myself.

Everything else have to wait.

But when I got my idea of traveling the world from my bed, we started the clearing process again. I realized that I need to clean stuff out to get more space for my travels. And I have to continue participate in things that brings meaning to my everyday life. I inherited a lot of things from my aunt, but it is all in storage boxes at the moment. And we have very little space in the house.

The truth is that I have to get rid of a lot of things, not only to make it possible to get inspired by her travels. But in my fantasy the clearing process is a way of preparing for my globetrotting. The necessity of  planning and packning. Except I will let my favorite things stay instead of packing them in suitcases.

I always have had a very good ability to fantasize. Now it’s time I use it to endure reality.